Even funnier than that old Girly Man video

The most laugh-out-loud hilarious thing I've seen in ... weeks.

(Yeah, I dunno why it didn't show up before. Sorry all.)

Farewell Latvians, hello bagpipers

I slept through a fire alarm. Again.

The bells in the hallway rang a few weeks ago in the early morning hours. Amanda woke up. I didn't. So, she woke me up to tell me the fire alarm was going off. I went back to sleep. Thankfully it was a false alarm, as she was able to see courtesy of the TV's Lobby Camera Channel. Yes, I caught hell for it later -- it's impolite to allow your nearest and dearest to assume full responsibility for your smoky and/or fiery death just because you sleep with earplugs in.

I slept through another alarm when at a hotel. I think it was in Calgary for the launch of 660News. I went to work the next day and the rest of the crew was complaining of exhaustion from the fire alarm and evacuation. I slept right through it because I sleep with earplugs in.

It hasn't always been this way. I believe I started with the earplugs back when I lived in Toronto. The mid-century highrise where I lived decided to restore all the balconies. That meant several summers of jackhammering the hell out of the concrete all day, every day. And at the time, I think I was working a morning shift...or an evening shift...some shift that involved me wanting to sleep during the day. The earplugs didn't completely help. Jackhammers on concrete tend to reverberate through a structure in a way that snoring partners can't even emulate.

I continued with the earplugs because of snoring partners.

Rewinding through history, my nighttime noise-shaping began with a filter fan. Y'know, an air filter to screen out the dust. I may have had some kind of dust allergy. The filter rarely got replaced -- vacuumed every couple of months -- so it became more of a noisemaker than an air purifier.

I took that with me when I moved out, and it conditioned the ambient noise (or lack of it) for years until the fan gave up and started sounding more like an outboard fishing boat engine than a blissful blanket of white noise.

Christmas, if I recall correctly, brought a gift from mom and dad in the form of a noise generator. I pretty much stuck with the plain ol' white noise, although it had various selections from nature. This being the 1990s, the sound samples were a little meh. They were loops, and if you listened, you could hear the loop points. Some of the samples sounded decidedly unnatural.

Well, along comes the new digital world. We have ipods and tivos and key chains that show pictures. Shouldn't there be a next generation of White Noise Machines?

Whaddya know, there are ... er, there IS! Here's a video to prove it:

The link is brought to you by the folks at Vat19, pitching what they call "Curiously Awesome Gifts" (a slogan the folks at Altoids have not sued them over, as far as I can tell). They also have other doodads such as Foot Cozy Heated Slippers. Geek stuff, neat stuff, and stuff you could give people that they'd think was cool but would never actually use, but remember you fondly for all time for thinking of something so unique. You get the idea.

Now, to the present. The Latvian hockey fans went home a while ago. And now we approach the Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo, with its bagpipe bands, brass bands, drum bands and flaming jugglers. The jugglers and mimes don't bother me when I sleep, but the rest of them do their rehearsals outside my apartment window in the early morning hours.

Y'know what? Earplugs don't cut it. Pillows don't cut it. Windows don't cut it. But maybe, just maybe, some white noise plus those other things will let me rest through the tumult. Completely unlikely, but maybe.

It's journalawesome infotainment!!!

This week's issue of The Coast (Toronto residents -- think Now or Eye) features a cover story about local comedy troupe Picnicface. They're the funny folks behind the iconic video POWERTHIRST. I profiled this video back on June 6, 2007, before knowing who Picnicface was.

Turns out the brains behind this hilarious video that infected the folks at work with catch phrases and puns is from Halifax. We loved the video before we knew they were from here, and of course we love it even more knowing that Picnicface is a home-grown phenomenon.

Powerthirst has clocked more than six million views on YouTube, and another 450-thousand over at Will Ferrell's funnyordie.com.

So, now that you've consumed Powerthirst and it has become a part of your soul, I have something more for you.

Given that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I present this video .... Halifax's News-Talk-Sports radio station News95.7, in the style of Powerthirst!

Please note that this video is not approved, endorsed, sponsored, supported, or acknowledged by News95.7 or its parent company. It is an entirely unofficial tribute that should not be seen to reflect the promotional goals of the actual radio station. It's just up for a laugh or two.

Enjoy.

Or follow the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1xT8B9rPno

(Hey, why not give it a nice rating, too? I could use the support.)

One more Chris Andrews video, before he was Punch

The funeral for Chris "Punch" Andrews is today in Newmarket. I'm sorry I can't be there.

Thanks to those who replied to my previous post about Chris. I've heard from some people I haven't seen in more than 15 years.

Here's one more video from the BigAss archives. Judging by a shot from the end that shows an old Standard Broadcast News terminal, I think this was shot on September 30, 1991.

It shows Chris op'ing a Blue Jays game (on the Telemedia sports network!) at Energy 1480 (CKAN-AM) in Newmarket. It's also a short tour of the radio station. If you knew Chris, you'll appreciate the short bits of him in the tape. If you're just curious about what radio stations were like before computers, then you'll see that, too.

Keep an eye out for cart machines (YouTube video quality is too poor to read the labels), reel-to-reel machines, record players, old clocks, clunky headphones, ashtrays, the wooden weather station, giant PCs, and a small collection of compact discs.

All the best ... be good to each other.

RIP Chris "Punch" Andrews

One of my teenage mentors died this morning.

Chris Andrews, known for the past decade and a half by his on-air name "Punch" Andrews, died of lung cancer after a public and very upbeat battle.

Chris had a growing Facebook support group that, I'm told, is still growing. I'm not on Facebook, but I'm told the group is at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=24463005229.

Everyone there has his or her own story ... I have mine, so here it is.

I met Chris about twenty years ago, when I was in grade 9 and started volunteering at Rogers Cable 10 in Newmarket. My first gig there was pulling cables and changing tapes for cameraman Chris at the Miss Portuguese Cultural Centre Pageant in Bradford.

From there, I worked alongside Chris as he toiled on both sides of the camera ... producing, directing, shooting, editing and hosting virtually anything on Cable 10. While he's long been known as a high-energy party DJ, he was equally adept at hosting all the shows. He was the Swiss Army Knife of community television. Public affairs, politics, Christmas shows, community events. He was the complete package for that environment. And a real professional -- even on days when he'd arrive 15 minutes before showtime, rush into the little bathroom with an electric shaver and smear on a tube of foundation. Whether no one was watching or ... well, hardly anyone was *ever* watching, but Chris always performed as though that show was going on his demo reel.

Chris really seemed to hit a groove at Rogers when he teamed up with handsome and charismatic volunteer Thom Marriott to do a show called Around Town with Chris and Thom. They made it no secret that they had no budget and were making the most of a rinky-dink format. Their signature special effect was snapping their fingers to simulate a teleportation to the next location. They tooled around the town in the rusty orange Rogers mobile unit that had been decomissioned in favour of the new production truck. It became the Around Townmobile, and it took Chris, Thom and their mascot Hotline the springy rocking horse to wacky adventures around York Region. I spent some good hours riding around with Chris in that messy van, lugging gear as he smoked and talked and smoked and smoked.

As they met with resistance with Rogers management, Chris and Thom took up a show on struggling Newmarket AM station CKAN 1480. There was no listenership to speak of, so Chris was given carte blanche to do whatever he felt like doing with his time slot. From what I've seen, his show on Mix 99.9 FM in Toronto was a modern-day version of the same show Chris perfected at CKAN.

He even brought in his own records to play. I would drop in at the station while Chris was running commercials during the Blue Jays game, and man the cart machines while he went to another studio to cart up some 45s or cassettes. I remember a smoke-filled control room where Chris spent what was probably half an hour, trying to get just the right recording of "Five Long Years" by Colin James. He even carted up a copy of "Closer to the Heart" by Rush from one of my cassettes, which I'd call in and request now and then.

Even though he was on a station that was a rudderless sinking ship, working for rubber cheques and being managed by people who he didn't seem to get along with, Chris was a ball of energy and determination. To listen to his Energy 1480 Saturday Night Open Line House Party, you'd think he was working the prime time shift on 680 CFTR in the mid-1980s. And I think that's exactly how he wanted it. He was playing radio. Some people say they love their job so much, they'd do it for free. Well, Chris actually did so.

And he did it all without an op. He did all the production himself. He was more than just a guy who could turn on the charm when the mic was live. He had the vision to imagine what would sound good, and the technical chops to make it happen. He played the mixing console like a piano. By spending so much time with Chris, and absorbing technical know-how from him and the others at Rogers, I was able to cruise through two years of technical class at university.

I had my first alcoholic beverage at a Rogers crew party at Chris' family farm just outside Newmarket. I remember taking a hay-wagon ride out into a field where one of Chris' drunken friends did back-handsprings in the tractor headlights.

I was a lonely, kinda miserable teenager, and I felt like I didn't have close friends. Hanging out with Chris and being invited along made me feel like I had someone to listen to me. He heard my angst and lonely rants, and kept me optimistic.

I remember shopping for back-to-school clothes and wanting "Chris Andrews shirts" -- striped button-ups with collars -- and Dockers, so I could look like him. He was, in my eyes, a cool guy. Seemed popular with the ladies, always taking them out to his boat.

Chris helped me out a lot by writing me a letter of reference when I applied to his alma mater Ryerson University (then Ryerson Polytechnical Institute) for Radio & Television Arts. He coached me about what they'd be looking for in an applicant, who to talk to, and what to bring up in the interviews. I got in. I did well. I was aiming for television, but got into radio.

We lost touch when Chris moved out to PEI for a paying radio gig.

A few years later, back in Toronto and teaching, Chris invited me to speak to his class at Seneca College. What an honor for me to have the man who taught me so much believing that I had something to teach his students.

I think that might've been the last time I saw him in person. I seem to remember visiting him at the Mix. We've emailed here and there, and I sent him a DVD of a video I made of him at CKAN back in the day, plus some video of him hosting the Rogers Christmas Hotline in the early 1990s. When I heard the Jim Richards interview from earlier this month, and he said he was hoping to visit PEI one more time, I offered to meet up with him in the Maritimes. But that won't be happening.

I'm sad that he's gone, but ... hey, he wasn't sad. Chris said he had a good run. Always leave them wanting more. He went from an energetic kid volunteering at Aurora Cable, to a jack-of-all-trades/master-of-most at Rogers Cable in Newmarket, to bar DJ on Newmarket's Main Street and weekend radio host at CKAN, to PEI, then back to where he wanted to be -- on the air in Toronto, keeping the party going.

Some people leave this world never knowing how many lives they touched. Chris exited this life knowing that he was loved and appreciated ... and respected. He made a big difference in my world. There would be no Big Ass Superstar if there hadn't have been a Chris "Punch" Andrews.

So long, groovy boy.

---
For your consumption ... two videos from the archives. The first is a show opening from Around Town. I loved that show. I was a big fan. The second is a segment from Around Town in which Chris and a woman -- Lorraine, I think? -- filling in for the MIA Thom throw to a segment about Teen Pro Wrestling. Chris was kind enough to send Bubba out to do a story about a wrestling group I was involved in. I got to be on Around Town. What a hoot.

Don't talk back to Darth Vader, or he'll get cha!

Star Wars Episode 4 according to a three-year-old.

Cuba now, New York later?

We're booked!

We've set up a vacation to Cuba for March. One week in the sun, sand, and endless bacon of the all-you-can eat buffet. Ah, the life of an otter -- laying back in the water with food on my tummy.
I still hope to get to New York City later in the year for another vacation, but Amanda's concerned finances may not allow such a trip.

Fortunately, the amazingly talented folks at Infinite Solutions have served up a guide to enjoying NYC on $100.

I strongly recommend checking out the rest of the Infinite Solutions videos. You'll be surprised how much you learn.

A genius tribute or spoof?

If you have an hour or so -- and I'm not saying I do -- and you appreciate visionary genius and absolute skill at editing -- and I do, kinda -- and you think Garfield cartoons are kinda lame -- you got me there -- then please, please, take some time and view the series of videos by Lasagna Cat. You may not laugh out loud at the first one you see, but digest a bunch of them and I hope you'll agree... this stuff is ... like ... good and stuff.

A TV ad more strange than Russell Oliver

If you thought the Russell Oliver "Cash Man" jewellery/jewelry ad below was odd .... which it is .... you'll crack up laughing at this ad for Frankie and Johnny's furniture (and fried chicken) from New Orleans.

Cygnals: Crazy Joe: You'll be sorry!

From the pages of Cygnals Zine, Issue #8, Summer 1996.

Hear the interview in MP3. (~5.5 MB)

For sixteen years, a bearded man in a black suit has been hard-selling his way into Toronto-area living rooms.

Crazy Joe (the only name he'll give) hit Toronto's Multicultural Television (now CFMT-TV, channel 47) with fast-talking, low-budget TV spots based on a simple formula: "A crazy guy dressed up like a rabbi, with a hat, with a beard, selling blinds, verticals, furniture and carpet," says Joe. Yelling breathlessly for 30 seconds, Joe ambushes the viewer and implores him to "shop at Crazy Joe's or you pay too much ... you'll be sor-ry!"

Why's this nut dressed up like a rabbi? "I'm an Orthodox Jew, that's the difference," he says. "I wear this suit with the hat all the time."

The no-frills, crazy-crazy-crazy, dressed-like-a-rabbi gimmick has inspired spoofs from the likes of SCTV, with a parody piece dubbed "Crazy Hy's." Joe saw it two years after it went to air, calling it "very, very interesting."

Joe's hard-sell style has been imitated by many retailers, including Toronto jewelry fanatic Russell Oliver. "Oliver came to me for interview," says Joe. "He came to me, he want to know how to present himself, but basically he took off on me." And how's Oliver doing, in the eyes of the master? "I don't know, but he'll never come close to me as a promoter."

And what about the Bad Boy, Blaine Lastman? Another nooobody. "He's doing the same schtick from 20 years ago, so it's only going the same routine back and forth."

Both Lastman and Oliver read from a prepared script, something Joe denies doing. "Everything is on spot," he says. "I do it right away, on spot. Not no scripts, nothing." He admits, though, it takes about two hours to crank out four or five commercials.

For the small-time journalist trying to track down the big man for a quick telephone interview, he comes across more like Surly Joe than Crazy Joe. With all the good cheer you'd expect from a skeptical, stressed-out businessman with an unrelenting schedule, Joe was hard to find in a good mood.

Once the interview got rolling, though, Joe was the same goofy guy we see on TV.

But...he doesn't understand what a zine is. I guess that'll change soon.

---

Follow-up:

Crazy Joe's Wife Responds
Subject: Crazy Joes Article
Date: Sat, 03 Aug 1996 22:45:35 -0400
From: Chane Iczkovitz

Thank you very much for a copy of your "Zine".
Joe was very pleased with your article about him. He especially liked hearing the real audio of the interview.
He wasn't aware that you taped it. I have been trying to get him to advertise on the net for a while now without any success. Now, he's quite pleased to be on it.
I've tried explaining to him what a zine is, but I don't think he gets it.
I hope you sell alot of copies. Good luck.
Chane (Joes techhead wife)

---
Bonus links!
Official Crazy Joe's Drapery site
Interview link: 1996%20-%20Cygnals%20-%20Crazy%20Joe%20interview.mp3

Cygnals: Russell Oliver: Jewellery Fetishist or True Patriot?

(The thought of discontinuing my old site, http://www.cygnals.com/, has crossed my mind from time to time. A few articles from over there still get a lot of hits, so thought it prudent to republish them here. Besides, those articles -- many published more than a decade ago -- had tiny photos and scratchy RealAudio files, as was the style of the time. Now I can offer bigger photos when I have them, and MP3 audio if I can find the source tape. -- Scott)
---

From the pages of Cygnals Zine, Issue #8, Summer 1996.

Hear the interview in MP3 format. (5.5 MB)

If you've been up late watching TV in Toronto, you've probably noticed this guy begging for you to bring him your jewelry. He's Rusell Oliver. He spoke to Cygnals from his stately jewelry emporium on Eglinton Avenue West.

Cyg: For anyone outside Toronto who hasn't seen your ads, explain what you do on TV.

Oli: I basically go on myself, and I encourage people to come down and bring me any jewelry they have in the form of gold -- gold chains, gold bracelets, gold necklaces. I also encourage Cartier and Rolex watches or any big-name brand watches. I also buy diamonds, and I buy antiques and estate stuff. So what I do is I have encouraged people to come down, bring me their jewelry, and I pay them cash, on the spot, while they wait.

Cyg: How did you first get into these TV ads, these middle-of-the-night low-budget ads?

Oli: Well they're not really middle of the night any more. They started out that way, but now you'll find you'll see them on Oprah Winfrey, Dini Petty, Breakfast Television...

Cyg: ...And I notice you're also sponsoring the late-night movies...

Oli: Late-night movies I kept, because they're fabulous. If you watch any of those movies on Tuesday or Friday nights, you can't miss them, because they're sponsored by me...so I'm constantly on there. What started me on that was, I was selling used jewelry and the market was pretty slow -- most people were coming in wanting to sell stuff. So I decided, well, rather than get involved too much in the selling of jewelry to people, let me try buying from people. And what happened was, people started coming on a more frequent basis as I started advertising. And when I went on TV and people saw that...and people who don't know where to go, they have no idea where to sell their jewelry, would say Oh well, here's a guy who encourages and wants our jewelry. They're intimidated to go anywhere else because they're scared. People go into a jewelry store and say "will you buy my jewelry" and they're afraid the answer will be, which it is most of the time, no, we won't, and they're intimidated by it. So they're happy to see a guy on TV who's saying I want your used jewelry, I need your used jewelry, I've got cash for your jewelry.

Cyg: You're pretty passionate about needing people's jewelry. How did you first get into all this?

Oli: I've been in the jewelry business for 25 years. But I've been on the other end. I've been on selling jewelry.

Cyg: So where do you get all this money to buy all the jewelry? Where's all the jewelry that people bring in go?

Oli: Uh, well, what we do is we export most of it. So we've got customers all over the world who are giving us money...and we take their money and give it to the Canadian public.

Cyg: And now you've joined the ranks of Bad Boy and Crazy Joe -- a sort of kitschy TV personality. Do you think people take you seriously or do they look at you like some wacky pawn-shop guy on TV?

Oli: It doesn't matter. How they look at me is not important. They look at me and they come down. They react...everybody reacts differently. Most people are, you know, quite impressed. But what is fabulous is that I am the only one that you can actually come down and meet me. Should you want to go to Bad Boy, you're not really going to meet Blaine Lastman. You may or you may not. You're taking a shot. He's got four stores and they're huge. You come to my place, I guarantee you're gonna meet me. You're g onna meet Russell Oliver in person. That's what it says on the commerical. And people love it. Because they feel they know me. You have a guy in your living room, and he's talking to you, a few times a day, which I am, they feel they know me. They come in, they feel comfortable, they smile, they're in a good mood -- everybody likes coming, because they feel like they're meeting a television personality. And, quite frankly, they are.

Cyg: And do these people ever have second thoughts about going through their old family heirlooms and bringing in old gold?

Oli: Sure, sure. It's an emotional experience, and I understand that. I sympathize with people, and I'm the first one to sympathize and say "look if you have any use for it, use it.." But if you don't have any use for it, it's silly to have it in a drawer, jewelry box, or even your safety deposit box. You may as well turn it into cash, which whether you need it or not is not the important -- your cash can make you cash. Whether you put it in the bank, get some interest out of it, or buy a GIC or put it in the stock market, you're gonna make money. Sitting in your drawer and jewelry box is not going to make any money, it's going to sit there as dead money. So turn it into cash and then you can use it for something else that might represent something that you get more enjoyment out of.

---
Bonus links:
Cygnals Interview: 1996-06-19%20-%20Cygnals%20-%20Russell%20Oliver%20interview.mp3
Oliver Jewellery, Official Site
National Post article: A familiar ring to 'Cashman's' business success (Jan 8, 2008)

My premier's funnier than your premier

Reminding me a little of the antics of former Toronto mayor Mel Lastman, Nova Scotia premier Rodney MacDonald hustles to get David Letterman to come to Canada's Ocean Playground.

And given today's dearth of news, this is today's top story.

"Kitten smokes on toilet"

TV karma will burn me harshly for this one day, but for now, I'm chortling.

Last night, on The Simpsons, there was a YouTube reference, a la "PICTURE A DAY FOR 39 YEARS":

(Fox may end up deleting this video at some point.)

At the end of the video, the pretend YouTube offers a link to a video with 63-million hits called "Kitten smokes on toilet".

After I watched the show, I checked YouTube and there was no video called "Kitten smokes on toilet". Of course, I felt obliged to provide one. See below. Note there is no toilet, no smoking, and the kitten is Amanda's Kitty.

Yeah, it's cheap, but someone was going to do it. Why not me?

UPDATE: After drawing 26-hundred hits with the "Kitten smokes on toilet" label -- and 30-some comments from YouTubers pissed off about my sneakery, I've put the video label back to something a little more honest.

1987 flashback on the Youtube

Hey, groovy gang.

I've tossed some old commercials up on to the YouTube.

Visit my channel to see 1987 ads for:

• Water Pik - the one with the Cosby-sweater ventriloquist and the talking dentures
• The Brick
• Standard Auto Glass
• Royal LePage
• Remax
• Motts Clamato Cocktail - the guy who wants hot and cold running Clamato (what's with Clamato anyway? Was someone drinking tomato juice one day and thought ... mmm ... good ... but ... needs more clam.)
• Molson Export - you've spent all night in the cold rain fixing downed power lines. Now you need to get shitfaced. Ex says it all.
• Granada - wanna buy a TV or VCR? Go to the place famous for RENTING them! That's Granada! (Where's Granada now? Exactly. The last one I remember closed and became Adults Only Video on Yonge Street south of Gerrard.)
• Coors Gold - they don't make it any more.
• Burger King Chicken Bundles - they don't make these any more either. Think Chicken McNugget on a bun.

Also posted a WWF wrestling clip from 1986 featuring an in-joke I didn't get until years later. Randy Savage is wrestling a jabroni named Mark Faban. Vince McMahon asks Bruno Sammartino, what's this guy's first name? Kay? Bruno laughs at the notion of a wrestler named Kay Faban. Like, "kayfabin'". Okay, if you're not a wrestling nerd, you might not know what "kayfabe" means, but to have two announcers joking about kayfabe in 1986 was pretty....I dunno, pretty weird, I guess.

This video is too cute for Big Ass Superstar

Spotted this over at gigababy's blog. I appreciate the work this guy put into the video. The kitty is cute.

Amanda's Kitty is unusual

I put some food down for Amanda's Kitty, and a few nuggets bounced away. One went under this piece of furniture. Kitty went under the furniture to get it. There, she stayed.

We put the plate of food nearby to see if she'd do a variation of one of her typical eating routines -- lying down, reaching out lazily, grabbing a nugget off the plate, and happily crunching it with minimal effort.

She did. Lazy kitty.

Two days of cleaning in four minutes

After posting the YouTube video of one of my old stop-motion films, I remembered that I shot some time-lapse video this past spring.

Crews were cleaning all the gunge and filth off the concrete exterior of the Halifax Metro Centre. The power washing was interesting to watch in real time, but probably more enjoyable as a temporally compressed experience. We had a perfect view out the apartment window, so I perched the webcam on the edge of a vase and shot for two or three days. I stitched the videos together and added some Ween music, and the result is shown below.

In the days before DVD

Not so many years ago, people didn't have DVDs. We had videocassettes. We had the Betamax vs. VHS wars, which are chronicled so thoroughly on the interweb. And people who wanted something better than videotape had Laserdiscs. They were big -- like the size of records -- but they had great picture quality, fantastic sound quality, and often had extra stuff... the kind of extra stuff we take for granted now on DVD.

This is a clip I found on an old VHS tape when I was doing some transfers at home. It's a clip from Buffalo's NBC affiliate, WGRZ-TV, Channel 2, on their evening newscast. It's a consumer segment asking whether it's a good idea to invest in a laserdisc player. I figure this clip is from early 1992, several years before DVD was introduced.

I get a kick out of past predictions of the future, and old-time fascination with technology that we now view as archaic. And I'm looking forward to the days when the stuff we consider high-tech is considered embarrassingly out of date. Hell, look at how far cell phone technology has come in just the past ten years.

Filmmaker flashback

I know a bunch of my grade-school/high-school classmates are gathered over on Facebook. I'm not on there. But I have something to share with them. If you were at Stuart Scott Public School in Newmarket Ontario in 1986 (87?), you may be somewhere in this clip.

I used to make stop-motion films for fun. Back in grade 6, I took my super-8 movie camera to school and shot a reel of film. Here's what we cranked out -- with some extra stuff at the end of the reel, 'cuz I had film left over.

I got the transfer done here in Halifax at Copy Cat Digital. I'm not terribly impressed with the transfer, actually. There's a guy in Ontario who uses a frame-accurate direct-to-digital transfer, so I think I'm going to send my films out there for another attempt at getting a cleaner copy. Then, perhaps, I'll add sound and repost this and more.

My calculator ain't got no bow

I think I'm mostly caught up on the summer blog topics, so here's something to make you laugh so hard, you frighten your office mate, housepet or respiratory therapist.

Scott Simpson is now married

Okay, calm down. I didn't want to give my friends and family a heart attack -- just a little WTF?

The headline refers to the August wedding of my friend and (recently departed from journalistm for a career in the music industry -- congrats!) coworker Laura Graham, and her man Scott Simpson, who I've blogged about in the past. Amanda and I were invited to their wedding in beautiful Judique, Cape Breton.

The wedding was set to take place on Kintyre Farm, but weather forced a change of plans. Instead it was held indoors, and it was still phenomenal. A few of us ducked out after dinner to head back to the Troy Lodge Cottages for a few drinks before returning to the reception, but the weather turned from bad to horrible, and we were stuck inside, missing the dancing and live music. I hear it was magical.

The night before the wedding is a story in itself. They planned a ceilidh (I hope I spelled that right) at the Celtic Music Interpretive Centre in Judique, and Laura said I should bring my gear and play a few songs. I did. It was a blast. Aside from karaoke, I've only performed in front of people twice before -- once at a small open mic in Toronto, and a few weeks later at my farewell bash at the Spotted Dick in Toronto. I'd never performed with a backup band in my ipod. I got on stage and realized that the playlist containing my backing tracks was not on the ipod. Horror! But I found the individual tracks in the "Recently Added" playlist, so I made it through. I sang my first song a whole octave higher than I should've. I forgot some of the words in my second song, even though they were printed out in front of me. And I started the third song a bar early. No matter -- people dug it all. Folks danced. It was a blast. I was very sweaty. I really want to do some more of these open mic dealies.

Afterward, many folks returned to the Troy Lodge Cottages for the after-party jam. It turns out several members of the wedding party -- or at least the bunch of guys jamming at the Interpretive Centre -- were members of the Johnny Favorite Swing Orchestra, and some of the other guys were just plain talented as heck. So, the joint was a-rockin', as Scott Simpson (the groom) and his buddies took up guitars, pianos and whatever else was around, in a beer-fueled kitchen party in a cabin in the woods by the Northumberland Strait. Good times. 'Til Amanda got sick, anyway. I'll leave that part out, 'cuz it was kinda gross. Anyway, uh ... yeah, kinda gross.

But we made it to the wedding the next day ... it was emotional ... beautiful ... inspiring ... and the ribs were to die for, dahling.

Here's some video shot at the ceilidh and at the wedding. I hope you like.

Sloan, finally!; The Man They Call Reveen; New album; New instrument

Sloan's from Halifax. I don't think they live here anymore. I've missed them playing here at least three times since getting the job out here. Friday night, they're playing a free show across the harbour in Dartmouth for Alexander Keith's birthday. Yeah, it's gonna be the buncha-drunken-fratboys experience, but what the hell -- it's Sloan, and it's free. Cappin' off a busy week, with Amanda's birthday funfest tonight (happy 29th, sweetheart!), and Laura G's farewell bash tomorrow night, the concert with J-White on Friday, and steak for dinner on Saturday.

This YouTube video from a concert last year in Stratford, Ontario is an illustration of why Sloan is so cool.

Oh, hey, I also went to see Reveen the Impossiblist recently at the Rebecca Cohn Auditorium. If you watch Trailer Park Boys, you've seen folks making fun of Ricky by calling him Reveen. I had no idea who Reveen was 'til I moved out here. Turns out he is to the Maritimes what Mike Mandel is to Ontario -- the stage hypnotist everyone saw back in college. 'Cept Reveen actually looks like Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys, and he's been doing the exact same show since the 60s or 70s. Reveen is in his seventies now. He's old as hell, as far as hypnotists go. He's been retired for some time, instead managing a big-time Vegas magician.

Well, Reveen got up there with his sparkly tux and cheesy 1982-vintage soundtrack and hypnotized the heck out of some willing volunteers. Good show, but a little sad when he'd forget his place or get frustrated with his son/assistant reminding him of what's supposed to come next. And he left one guy still in a trance at the end of the show, forgetting to release him. Somewhere in Halifax, there's a guy who will forever respond to the phrase "peanuts, roasted!" with a hearty "shut up, you mug!" I particularly enjoyed Reveen shilling his own 1960s/70s self-hypnosis products before the intermission, telling us that he can't do personal appointments to teach superconsciousness, but he's now released a series of "long-playing records" -- side one, for example ... wait a minute ... I'm sorry, they're now available on compact disc!

Anyway, good time, good time. Front-row seats, so you can't do much better than that.

In other news to be contained in throwaway lines at the bottom of sporadic blog posts, I have a name for the new album (same name I was going to use the last time I didn't get around to finishing an album), and cover art, sourced from a photographer on flickr (credits to come later). I hope to take some time off in November to finish recording and production, with the final product out in time for Christmas distribution. At least that's the plan. Meh. Plans. Anyway, rock on.

Oh, one more throaway thing. Kijiji. Never been there 'til a coupla weeks go. Ended up buying a Casio keyboard from a dude. Amanda was kind enough to go pick it up. $150 for a decent MIDI-capable keyboard, stand and bench. Now I can add that extra layer of cheese to my music, and Amanda can amuse me with her keyboard dexterity.

Funny stuff about energy drinks

One of the funniest things I've seen on the web in quite a while ... dug up by some folks at work.



(If it's not working, click over to http://www.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=1641b0bb8e3c2b2e7523.)

Kitty gets another haircut

This video shows Amanda's talking cat, Kitty, going for a shave in Dartmouth. The raw footage was shot nearly a year ago, but I just got around to cutting it up.

In other news, Amanda's Kitty is sick right now. She has an affinity for eating my cat's weight-loss food, then barfing it up. Problem is, she's part persian and has a smooshed-up face, and this time I think she puked into her sinuses and irritated herself to the point of infection. We're all pulling through for a quick recovery. We're also pulling for Scott's Kitty to shut the hell up and quit eating so much weight-loss food that she's puffing up like a frickin' raccoon.

Vintage CFTR video

Posted by Craig M. Smith at SOWNY via Steve Gregory through Google Video ... three videos from Toronto's 680 CFTR-AM in the 1980s. This is the station I grew up listening to and emulating with my tape recorder as a kid. Eventually, I worked there, after the station became All News Radio 680News.

What a trip to see the first place I worked, looking not much different from the time I started working there. What a thrill to see the people I grew up listening to! What a hoot to see how much can be accomplished by talented people enjoying their work. What an joy to see that a bank of old-school cart decks and some microphones can make such wonderful radio.

Video of Mike Cooper, Tom Rivers and Steve Gregory brodcasting:
Steve: http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=-6801908204797981984&hl=en-CA
Mike: http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=-249487065319543976&hl=en-CA
Tom: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3089137416163061650

My first trip to the emergency room

As I mentioned earlier, I've been digitizing some old videotapes, and this weekend I got to one that I'd been wanting to share for the past eight or nine years.

Back in 1998, during the boom times of the WWF, I spotted posters for a new wrestling show called Ring 'n' Ears. I noticed that one of my old wrestling classmates, Bill Skullion, was on the show. I hadn't been in the ring in more than five years, but I wanted to see if I could get on the show. The promoters were game, and gave me a spot as the manager for "Sexy Baby" Jamie Jackson of the Hollywood Hunks, in a four-way match against Bloody Bill and two other guys. Awesome.

The finish involved the two other guys being eliminated somehow, and my guy being tied up in the ropes by Bill. Bill would pull out a cup full of sharp and shiny thumbtacks and pour them out in the center of the ring in preparation for destroying my guy. But my guy had backup! The Hollywood Hunks would hit the ring and make the save, triple-teaming Bill. I'd get so excited, I'd hop up in the ring, grab the microphone, and "ha-ha-ha!" boast about how my Hollywood Hunks had kicked Bill's ass and left him bloody. But my back would be turned, and I wouldn't notice that Bill had made a comeback and cleaned house, kicking my guys out of the ring. He'd tap me on the shoulder to interrupt me, but I'd think it was my guy Sexy Baby, and didn't want to be distracted. Bill would blow his nose on me, I'd turn around, and he'd powerbomb me onto the pile of thumbtacks.

So, here's how it ended up happening:

I wasn't hurt badly, but I ended up with tap-dance shoes -- some of the tacks stuck in my Doc Martens. I also ruined a good pair of jeans from Bill's bloody forehead leaving a crimson smear on the ass of my denim.

Later in the night, everyone on the card was involved in an over-the-top-rope battle royal. The ring announcer (drunk) forgot to introduce me, so I had to scoot in just after the bell rang. I wandered around the ring a while before Jamie held some dude for me to hit. I got smacked and headbutted by "Total" Lee Awesome, who's now a big star known as Bobby Roode -- he was in the main event last time I went to a wrestling show at the Halifax Forum. Over to the other corner, where I started throwing elbow shots at a tall guy called Major Punshiment. His head flew forward as I lunged in, and his forehead smacked me right in the mouth. Ouch. I staggered a few feet over and met up with Dangerboy Derek Wylde, who was assigned to eliminate me from the match. He did his best to put me over the top rope, but I ended up clumsily going out to the floor between the ropes. Thankfully Richard Bloom was on hand to capture it on film, as the video isn't super-sharp. Good luck following me as I make my way from the bottom of the screen, to the upper left, upper right, then out on the right-hand side.

After the show, I went to the Emergency Room at St. Michael's Hospital. I was a little worried that my split lip might need stitches. They said I didn't, and were actually more concerned that I'd hit my head during the powerbomb. I never lost consciousness, so they were only mildly concerned.

That wasn't the last time I was in the ring. I worked a few more times with the Renegade Wrestling Alliance in an interview/personality capacity. But it was certainly the most exciting and eventful time I had in wrestling. Or at least the best story.

My days as a wrestling announcer

It's been a long time since I've watched much contemporary pro wrestling, but I used to be heavily into it. I even did some training with Phil Watson, son of Canadian legend Whipper Billy Watson, as he tried to launch a new promotion in the early 1990s called Teen Pro Wrestling.

It never quite took off, but not for lack of trying. Phil even got enough of a crew together to shoot four episodes for TV.

I've been going through my old videotapes lately, digitizing stuff to Mpeg2 for the sake of preservation, and this past weekend I dubbed over the Teen Pro stuff. There's some good stuff there from a few guys who went on to have careers as wrestlers.

Among them, a young Scott Taylor, who went on to fame in the WWF/WWF as Scotty 2 Hotty.

Bill Skullion makes appearances well before he became "Bloody" Bill Skullion.

A skinny kid debuted as Buford T. Butterworth -- a character originally pitched to be played by me, but, frankly, I wasn't particularly good as a pro wrestler. It ended up going to a nice and talented guy named Dennis. Dennis has been working the indy circuit in Ontario for years and even with some of the bigger indy outfits in the States. He's famous in some circles as "Danger Boy" Derek Wylde. The YouTube clip above is his first match ever.

He teams up with a tall skinny Bostonian named Cameron Crude against two skinny guys from Newfoundland who worked just this one time as the Rock Island Rebels.

The match was, in a way, well ahead of its time -- rehearsed every step of the way, non-stop action -- and seemed to get absolutely no heat from the crowd.

And behind the microphone is a young Big Ass Superstar, Scott Simpson. Not much of a broadcaster back in 1993. I didn't quite get the psychology of calling a professional wrestling match, and I hadn't yet "found my voice." I was teamed up with fello radio student and wrestling school classmate Kevin "The Kid" MacKenzie. Last time I saw Kevin, I think he was working at the Rogers campus in a call centre. I hope he's doing well and remembers his time in the spotlight fondly.

The full Teen Pro/Midget Mania shows will be showing up soon on the major wrestling-related BitTorrent sites, including www.pwtorrents.net and xtremewrestlingtorrents.net.

Baby Got Bible

I used to be notorious for performing Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back at karaoke. I don't think I'll be performing *this* version.

Watch it, buddy!

Thanks to dad for tipping me off to the kerfuffle involving CityTV's consumer advocate Peter Silverman, a crazy optician, a door and the Emergency Task Force. (We miss having CP24.)

Kudos to Peter "Watch it, buddy!" Silverman for taking a door to the face while standing up for the little guy. I went to school with Silverman's twin daughters. I almost had my first kiss with one of 'em. We had a "date" one time involving pizza at Frank Vetere's, and video games and playing with Star Wars figures at my place. Grade five.

Speaking of Grade Five, we just finished watching the new Fox game show "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" Not an awful show, but a good reason to have a PVR -- you can watch an hour-long show in under 40 minutes.

It also reminds me that in Canada, we call fifth grade "grade five." One of those linguistic differences. Like in the States, they say World War Two, while in Canada, style indicates we say Second World War.

Barenaked Ladies Are Rock

There's something cool about seeing Rush in Toronto at Maple Leaf Gardens. There's something cool about seeing Barenaked Ladies at Massey Hall. But it's a different kind of cool to see Barenaked Ladies perform "Hello City," half a block up from Barrington Street, two blocks from the corner where beer-fueled, donair-stained late-night punchups helped inspire the song years ago.

We'd had seats for this show since the on-sale date back in September. Saturday's concert included a sampling of songs from the new records, both of which I've enjoyed very much. Most of the classic BNL favourites were also on the set list.

We had fantastic seventh-row floor seats Saturday for our first concert at the Metro Centre. Definitely a thumbs-up for the show. As I've noted before, I wish I could sing and perform like Steven Page. Dude kicks ass. Hell, the whole band did a great job.

Opening act Tomi Swick did a solid job. Imagine Tom Cochrane with Coldplay as his backing band.

For your enjoyment, and possible inducement to buy or otherwise acquire the new records Barenaked Ladies Are Me and Barenaked Ladies Are Men, here is the video for one of my favourite tracks therefrom, "Sound of Your Voice."

I was robbed by two men

After you watch this video, and find yourself asking what the hell you just saw, visit the relevant Wikipedia article about Zuikkin' English.

You may also find yourself in the mood to laugh along at Engrish.com.

A "woo-hoo" to the folks at Fighting Spirit, a UK wrestling and MMA magazine which just published one of my old pictures from the Renegade Wrestling Alliance days. Thanks to them for sending me a copy of the magazine -- looks cool.