Local fat radio guy tired of being fat

Local fat radio guy tired of being fat

HALIFAX (BAS) -- Sources close to local fat radio guy Scott Simpson say he's grown tired of being fat.

"He seems to get this way every once in a while," says a friend. "He eats those cinnamon buns for months, drinks his energy drinks and chocolate milk, then suddenly one day decides he's too fat."

A sales rep from Nubody's gym at Halifax's Scotia Square confirms that Simpson paid for a year's membership this spring but has yet to walk through the door even once to break a sweat.

Simpson made several weak attempts to get into shape in years past. One effort in the late 1990s earned him an award from the Radio & Television News Directors' association. Nearly ten years later, Simpson auditioned for the documentary series X-Weighted in an effort to turn his newfound maturity into physical action. The show moved production to other cities in Canada, leaving Simpson to attempt fitness on his own again. Despite signs of progress, the effort was ultimately unsuccessful.

"Now he's saying he's too poor to afford smoking," says an unnamed coworker of the fat news anchor. "He loaded up his online banking and kept muttering about not having enough to buy cigarettes any more. Frankly, all this money sh*t is getting pretty tiresome. I almost wish he'd go back to ranting about Scientology."

Friends say Simpson, whose weight has drifted between 185 pounds and more than 230 pounds in the past decade, has spent most of his adult life in the 220 pound range.

Health Canada reports his current Body Mass Index is 36, considered Obese Class II, indicating a very high risk of health problems related to weight. The only recent bright spot on his health record is a blood pressure reading from a local visit with a new family doctor: 128/84.

Sources suggest the time may be coming soon for the fat radio guy to take action.

"When other people have problems, he jumps in like he knows what's best for everyone," says one confidante. "But when it comes to his own flaws, he talks a big game, plans everything to death, and ends up getting nothing done. He's got two excuses for every one good idea he comes up with. He's his own worst enemy with this stuff.

"If you ask me, he's going to have to give up all the fancy talk, start eating his own cooking, and just get his big ass in gear and take care of business. I sure hope so, 'cuz all his complaining about being fat, broke and out of breath is really getting on everyone's nerves."

"Yeah, and he frickin' reeks of cigarette smoke all the time," added another source. "Just gross. 'Nuff said."

Halifax Scientology Protests

Several years ago, I started voraciously devouring everything I could find about Scientology. I was disturbed and outraged by what I learned, and told everyone I knew about the dark side of Scientology. Most friends thought I was ... well, perhaps misplaced with my interest and perhaps they were a little dubious of the facts I was presenting.

As it turns out, this was one of the few times in my life I've actually been ahead of the curve in regard to something that'd eventually become a "big thing" in society. The other one that comes to mind is computers and video games ... I was heavy into that stuff way before it became socially okay or even cool to do so. Then, when it was cool, I wasn't so interested, and now I'm a zero-skills gamer and I don't know how to use Excel or Word.

Now, in the case of Scientology, a loosely-gathered group calling itself "Anonymous" has targeted the Church of Scientology after the recent kerfuffle over the Tom Cruise IAS Freedom Medal of Valor video being leaked to the net.

Anonymous organized protests around the world last Sunday. An estimated 150-200 anons demonstrated outside the Toronto org. And about ten showed up for a "raid" (their word) at the Halifax Scientology franchise on Dutch Village Road.

I've seen videos on YouTube of the Halifax Scientology raid, and, frankly, I think they're missing the point.

IMHO, the anons need to decide whether they're targeting the general public, or attempting to reach the people inside the church to awaken them to reality and help get them out. As I understand it -- and let me be clear, I'm not part of Anonymous or any other group -- Anonymous' goal is to destroy the "church" from within by informing its members of the top-down abuses so they can carry out their own uprising.

In the Halifax case, the protestors danced and pranced and generally seemed like they were in it for laughs. The local Scientologist(s) videotaped them from the front steps of the franchise. I doubt that anything the anons did would've done more than convince the locals that they were more than a goofy hate group.

With that in mind, I have some suggestions for signs the Anons could bring to the next protest, tentatively scheduled for mid-March. They may seem cryptic to uninformed readers and even some of the lulz-happy protestors, but I think they'd be closer to the mark for awakening the ire of the CoS members:

• COB is the real SP
• RTC is squirrelling the tech
• Where's Heber?
• Where's Mike Rinder?
• The OT Levels are Free Online!
• Do the Doubt Formula!
• RTC is Pulling It In
• "The work was free. Keep it so." - LRH 1957
• We Know the Clear Cognition
• Don't Ignore The Outpoints
• Miscavige is PTS to the Church
• Where are all the auditors?

In some cases, I'm proud of how much the members of Anonymous have learned in a short time. But there's more to this effort than getting together, putting on a mask, and taunting the beast.

What are you trying to achieve? If you want to help people break free, they need to reach a tipping point with their cognitive dissonance, and they need a safe place to land. If you show up and appear zany and aggressive, the CoS members will just see you as evil SPs, probably paid by the psychs, and they'll be more sure that they're right.

If you can pick at the parts of the Church the average member honestly suspects are corrupt and evil, and give them permission to think about them and cultivate that doubt, perhaps they'll start to wake up. And if they see the protestors as people concerned with their well-being instead of mocking them, they'll feel safer crossing back over to reality.

That said, the Xenu story is funny and ridiculous. But it's not a tool for rescuing cult members.

I believe that the Anonymous strategy has a chance of making a real difference. One key reason has to do with how Scientology's policies relate to handling criticism and protests. Policy dictates that investigators find out who's leading the dissent, and dig up dirt and crimes on those people. If there is no dirt, make some up. Commence a "noisy investigation." Harrass, intimate, sue, lie, and destroy until the critics are "shuddered into silence." That works pretty well when there's an organized group with a leader.

But with Anonymous, there's no leader. There's no boss. There's no one to ID and investigate. So, for now, Scientology is stumped as to how to handle the protests. There's nothing on the books to deal with it, and if Hubbard didn't write it, they don't know what to do.

Don't waste this opportunity. Stay peaceful. Stay smart. Stay focused. Don't be clowns. Don't be fools. Don't get in trouble. Don't attack the wrong targets. Don't alienate the public. Don't do it just for the laughs. Have fun, sure, but don't jump on the bandwagon just because it looks like a hoot to wear a mask and yell at people who believe that they're infested with space cooties. That won't do anyone any good.

Inform yourself. Inform your friends. Be responsible. Be respectful. And stay Anonymous if you have to.

For more on the Anonymous protests against Scientology, and how you can get involved, visit http://www.enturbulation.org/.

Anonymous cat is anonymous

If you don't understand why this is funny, read up on Anonymous and its/their recent efforts re: Scientology. If you still don't think it's funny, that's okay. Read some other lolcats stuff instead.

Vacation wrapup, way way late

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya. But life's been busy for the past month or so. Lots to blog about, so let's get at 'er, starting with this wrapup of the big Big Ass Summer Tour 2007.

Saturday, July 21, Amanda and I set out on a big drive, aiming to get to Riviere-du-Loup by sundown. First stop was Wendy's somewhere to try the new Baconator. Yes, two quarter-pound patties of fresh-never-frozen beef, six strips of bacon and two slices of cheese. The Baconator delivers. It's a little mushy, and the first half is best, 'cuz it's hot.

It was a cloudy, rainy day heading through New Brunswick. But more distracting than the rain was the accumulation of bugs on the windshield. I used the gas station squeegee to wipe off the slime each time we stopped for gas, but we could barely keep ahead of the insect carnage.

Arrived in Riviere du Loup and negotiated through the town courtesy of Mapquest's left-right-left-right-left-right-left directions, instead of going straight down one road. Ended up at Motel Boulevard Cartier. You'll note that the motel is attached to the local St. Hubert Chicken restaurant. In fact, the check-in desk is right next to the take-out counter. Check that... the check-in desk is the take-out counter. We checked in to the unremarkable but perfectly passable room. No non-smoking rooms available, unfortunately, so it felt like a real old-school experience, back to the days when all the rooms were smoking rooms. I promptly noticed a fly on the ashtray, turned around, and was delighted to find a flyswatter sitting on its own hook. Thwap! First amentiy used.

St. Hubert, in my mind, has always been the franglais equivalent of Swiss Chalet. And I luvs me some Swiss Chalet. So we ambled over to the restaurant to try out a quarter chicken and frites. This ain't no Swiss Chalet, kids. Tastes like cafeteria food. We added a bit of Nova Scotia flavour by purchasing some Keith's beer (Keith's Red, weirdly enough) to enjoy with dinner. Entered to win a Keith's guitar. Haven't won, so far that I've heard. Our friendly server Benoit told us about a fireworks show scheduled for 10pm down by the water. Cool beans! I luvs me some fireworks, too. If Swiss Chalet had fireworks, they'd be on to something, man. Fireworks show was better than the July 1 one in Halifax, I shit you not.

Next day was time for the killer drive of the trip, from Quebec to Bradford. Lunch was at McDonald's ("Mc Do'"), and the difficult problem of ordering a Bic Mac, no pickles, no sauce (my choix du jour on the rare times I go to the Arches) en francais. Amanda grew up in Northern Ontario (town of Swastika -- look it up) and actually worked her previous job in french, and we negotiated frickin' Paris together, so I figured ordering a Combo #1, no pickles, no sauce would be a breeze. But me, I learned Ontario core french, in which they teach you the names of things. French immersion, sure, you sound like you know the language, but you don't always end up knowing what stuff is called. Amanda was unsure what "sauce" was in french, even when I suggested that it may be "sauce". Pickles were a whole other matter. I asserted that "cochinons" was the word. She didn't know. So, between her and the counter man, I got a Big Mac sans sauce, but avec pickles. I could pick those off. Pickles, it turns out are "cornichons". Unsure so far what "cochinons" is, if anything.

Goddamn Ontario driving. The drive from the border to Toronto is ... is ... is ... no fun. Just no fun. The 401 isn't beautiful to drive on. Worse still when there's a collision and rubberneckers and idiots thinking they can get a tiny bit further ahead by cutting through the service station, then coming out four abroad into a one-lane merge, ending up driving on the shoulder, and ... anyway, Amanda convinced me not to shout anything out the window or hop out and slug someone in a Rav-4.

We crawled into Bradford quite late and found a Pizza Pizza open late. I don't miss Pizza Pizza pizza. Panzerotto Pizza and Wings, yes, I miss that. Toppers Pizza is good, too. But Pizza Pizza isn't the kind of pizza I miss, you know what I mean? Settled in for a nice night at Amanda's folks.

Off to my old stomping grounds on Monday. Bradford is just north of Newmarket, where I was raised. We hit Upper Canada Mall, where I worked at Compucentre as a teenager. Ate in the food court (Made In Japan/A Teriyaki Experience), shopped around, bought my nephew some cool sunglasses at some baby-stuff store. Saw my old house. Jee-zus, Newmarket has grown. Huge. Very different.

That night we had steak and caesar salad. I luvs me some steak, y'all. Then Barb and Wendall took us out to the movies. We saw Hairspray starring John Travolta. Amanda turned to me in horror during the opening sequence -- "Oh my god. I forgot to tell you, this is a musical." No bother. I knew it was a musical. I spent part of the movie trying to figure out where they shot it -- Toronto, obviously, but it was neat to figure out all the locations. Good flick, despite Travolta, drag or not. The popcorn was fan-tas-tic. Fantastic.

'Manda's mom took us to Ikea on Tuesday. See, the first Ikea in North America was across the harbour in Dartmouth, but they closed it down years ago. Shame! So it was a treat to go to Ikea for the first time in more than two years. We didn't buy anything huge, but it was fun to dream. Ikea actually serves good food in its cafeteria. Meatballs and soup and little potatoes! By this point in the trip, I was getting very tired. Nearly fell asleep in the car to and from Ikea. Dinner was burgers and corn and more caesar salad. Good times.

On Wednesday, we had a surprise lined up for my parents. We'd been swerving my mom and for weeks about our vacation plans, based on my sister's suggestion of arriving unannounced. It worked. We pulled in to Stratford and visited with my sister and baby Ewan for a while, then rolled over to the 'rents abode and walked right in. My dad looked puzzled. Mom was in the basement doing laundry, so I just walked right down and surprised her. Clearly she wasn't expecting it. Oh, I forgot to mention -- a Baconator for lunch. We indulged in Dairy Queen after a dinner of BBQ chicken at Chris and Shannon's.

Amanda drove off to London the next day to visit her sister Amy, while I walked around town with Shannon and my dad. Stratford's a beautiful place. It was nice to spend some time with family seeing their town again. We took my folks out for dinner at the nice hotel -- prime rib for all! And DQ to follow! A fireworks show down by the water was supposed to cap things off, but it started inexplicably early. Who starts a fireworks show at 9:15pm in early August? Just ridiculous. So we missed the whole show. Back to Shannon's to hang out with them and the baby some more. That baby is such a hoot. Hilarious. Babbling and screaming and freaking out and making faces. Tons of fun.

The tour resumed Friday as we dined on nachos at Shannon's, hung out at mom & dad's a while longer, then hit the road for Toronto! We found Sandra and Byron's new house -- eventually -- I had the wrong address. Had the wrong address for a few weeks, apparently, as I sent her birthday card to the wrong place. Their new place is delightful! A renovated place north of the Danforth with lots of room and high ceilings on the main floor. Just fabulous. We went down to the Danforth for a filling and tasty Greek dinner. Byron even ate octopus, or squid, or some tentacled beasty that was in the middle of the plate of dips. It was great to see my friends again; it was like we hadn't been apart for long.

Amanda went out early the next day to visit with a relative, and I went to breakfast with S&B. Good food, good company.

Off to Quebec City! We managed to find a Lick's Homeburgers restaurant on the way out -- one of the things we really miss about Ontario. Big, juicy, garlicky burger. Yum yum yum.

The drive to Quebec was a long, long one. We took an impulsive detour through Trois-Rivieres in an effort to take the "scenic route." We should've learned from the Banff trip that the "scenic route" is just a narrower road with more trees. As we arrived in Quebec City, it began to pour rain. Like, seriously, lots of rain. Somehow, somehow, we got to our hotel, parked, and checked in at the Hotel Auberge du Quartier.

We learned that the beautiful breakfast room was no longer the breakfast room, and no longer beautiful. The man at the desk told us that a guest had recently returned to his room thoroughly drunk and puked all over his sheets. He pulled off the sheets and put them in the shower for a rinse. He left the water running and passed out on the bed. The shower flooded the place, and thus, the breakfast room was ruined. Shame. On the up side, we'd get breakfast around the corner, gratis. We hunted down a local pub in the rain and ate a well-earned meal -- some kind of fancy panini sandwich for me, chicken caesar for Amanda.

Br....

... (Oct 3 2007) okay, this post has been "in progress" for a month and a half now. Let's just say that the Quebec vacation was wonderful. We walked a lot. A lot. Walking and walking. Saw lots of beautiful stuff, and ate some great food. Took a horse-drawn carriage ride. I'm gonna rush through the rest of this.

I wanted to mention that on the first day, I noticed that Scientology was front-page news in the paper. Apparently the "Church" is trying to improve its image in the city by expanding its storefront operation. The paper had a two-page spread. Nothing about Xenu.

We also spent a delightful weekend in Annapolis Royal, staying at the King George Inn. The place is effing gorgeous, and Faith the innkeeper is a whirling dynamo of a host. Highly recommended. I think we'll stay there again. Having never heard of Annapolis Royal before, we were blown away by the rich history and quaint feel of the small town. It was the capital of Nova Scotia before anyone dreamt of Halifax. The oldest English-marked grave in the country is there.

We also went out on the Digby Neck, along the Bay of Fundy. We went on a disappointing whale-watching trip -- only saw a few whales, it was cold, and Amanda was sea-sick. Ate scallops of several varieties. They was good.

On the last day, we went to visit the famous Balancing Rock. A whole lot of stairs -- seriously, a lot of stairs -- and a nice view. Pretty cool.

Okay, this post sat unfinished for a long, long time. And it's, IMHO, still unfinished. But now you have a small idea of what we did on our summer vacation. For pictures worth several tens of thousands of words, check the appropriate gallery on my flickr page.

Yes, the inclusion of virtually everything I ate was intentional. Two weeks of eating and travelling, two weeks of morning-show shifts with dinner right before bed, and a recent habit of eating cinnamon buns at work have pushed my weight up to "before un-weighted" levels. Crap.

Miscellaneous updates

Alright, in an effort to clear the backlog of stuff-I-ain't-blogged-about lately ... here's a clearinghouse post about things and junk.

My noon-hour news show has been dropped in favour of more talk-show action. They've shrunk the noon newscast to seven action-packed minutes. It's going alright. The big afternoon news wheel now starts at 3pm instead of 3:30. An extra half-hour of reading. Interesting times! Ratings are on. Let's hope for big numbers.

I think the station is really taking hold. I can tell because of the influx of crackpot callers. We've had recent contact from conspiracy theorists convinced of the reality of chemtrails, lizard people, cattle mutilation and, of course, the 9/11 doubters.

I earned my Yellow Belt at taekwondo just before the summer vacation. The test was a little nerve-wracking, with lots of new Korean terminology to remember. I'm still not smooth and graceful and balanced and powerful, but I'm getting a helluva workout and learning new kicks and punches and strikes and painful holds.

Britney Spears did not look fat on the VMAs. Her dance routine was weak, but she looked just fine, thankyouverymuch.

All these earthquakes lately! How long 'til the big one?

The Belgians want to prosecute the Church of Scientology for fraud and extortion, alleging unlawful practices in medicine, violating privacy laws and using illegal business contracts. Go for it!

I've been back in the studio recording more music. It's fun. Latest recording has been a bit of a departure from past rocking efforts -- taking on Buenas Tardes Amigo by Ween.

Biking to work is fun. Halifax is full of hills, so it's a challenge. I get to work sweaty, but I get home a lot faster.

Nova Scotia's Utility and Review Board has turned down an appeal by heritage groups seeking to block the construction of two 27-storey towers in downtown Halifax. I've got no problem with having such a development in the city. After participating in the process to review and/or challenge the construction of the giant Minto Midtown condos at Yonge and Eglinton in Toronto, I learned to separate NIMBYism from the bigger issues. As much as I don't want the Halifax harbour view blocked, I don't have any other real objections to the "Twisted Sisters" development.

I hear my alma mater Ryerson University now has the only academic HDTV studio in North America. Way to go Rye High! Thanks to Matt from RTA 95 who invited me to the Facebook alumni group -- sorry bud, I'm still not on Facebook. Anyone in the group is welcome to post this web address to the wall or whiteboard or whatever thing they have there.

I tried shrimp recently when Amanda bought some at the Superstore and we grilled it up with steak. And we both tried scallops (pronounced "scollops" out here). She liked them both more than I did, but I didn't hate 'em. Good on me for trying new foods.

Overhauling the old http://www.cygnals.com/ web site is on my perpetual "to-do" list, but it never gets "to-done", in part because it's been almost a decade since I've done any real web work. My 1997-vintage skillz don't hold up today. And neither does my software. Last time I redid the site, I was using Microsoft Frontpage. I find out today that Frontpage doesn't exist any more. So, I don't know what to do to remake the site. Idears?

Are you getting enough Vitamin D? CTV News keeps running stories about how taking 1000 IU of Vitamin D every day is supposed to prevent cancer and do other good things for yo' body. So that's what I'm doing now. Can't say it's making me feel any less cancerous, but, y'know, time will tell.

Calvin Klein coolmax underwear is fantastic. Happy birthday to me. Thanks, baby!

A PR person contacted me recently to ask how many visitors I get here at bigasssuperstar.com. I checked Google Analytics and was astonished at how many -- more than four-thousand, it said. That just don't seem right. Anyway, turns out the lady does PR for Philips Canada. Methinks she arrived here because of my earlier campaign to bring the Philips Bodygroom to Canada. In case you missed it -- it's here now. Hairy dudes, get it. Partners of hairy dudes -- get it for them.

Other web sites to keep you busy 'til I get at this thing again:

http://gigababy.blogspot.com/ - my old friend Cindy writes about celebrities, the news, stress, rage, anger, and motherhood.

http://www.wrestlingobserver.com/wo/ - The Wrestling Observer. Wrestling news without pictures.

http://www.wrestlecrap.com/ - The worst of professional wrestling.

http://www.x-entertainment.com/ - A funny guy who collects stuff in a way that would never be allowed in my home.

http://theswca.com/collectors.html - Don't make fun of my Star Wars collection. Compared to this, I don't HAVE one.

http://members2.boardhost.com/scrapbook/ - Ontario radio people who write on the internet. I'd say more, but they'd probably tear me a new one under assorted pseudonyms.

http://b4.boards2go.com/boards/board.cgi?user=OnTheAir2005 - Atlantic-Canadian radio people who only write nice things.

http://www.videohelp.com/ - Q&A about video editing, converting, encoding, etc. Geek stuff, for sure.

http://taggedbagged.blogspot.com/ - Look at all the Halifax graffiti. And look at how the "graffiti artists" who call themselves "writers" can't spell, use punctuation, or conduct themselves with any sense of decorum or respect. The blogger has a good heart, though.

http://alley.ethercat.com/door/ - Read what departed Scientologists have to say about their time in the "Church".

http://groups.google.ca/group/alt.religion.scientology/topics - See how spam, crackpots, trolls, intellectuals and wannabes interact around the subject of Scientology.

http://line6.com/ - You play guitar? You want these toys.

and finally ... http://icanhascheezburger.com/ - Funny cats. Lolz. Seriously, I'm laughing all day with this one.

Okay, that's it. I'm done for now. Time to make more news.

Top Ten Secret Celebrity Scientologists

Cracked.com offers up a top ten list of Scientologists you didn't know were Scientologists:

Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman ... let's face it, we're not surprised when obviously unstable, closeted, or just plain untalented actors and actresses start blathering on about Xenu and cleansing their Engrams. Hollywood types can be pretty flaky. But while some of the famous faces of Scientology make sense, there are a surprising amount of celebs that honestly, we expected better from.

I can say that I knew about everyone on the list -- except Jerry Seinfeld. I'm not convinced on that one, although by Scientology's standards, he's probably still counted among the flock: "I took a couple courses a number of years ago that I thought were fabulous."

Which Scott Simpson is this?

I haven't mentioned Scientology here in a long time, so here's a throwaway reference for you, as an intro to this Googly article.

The "cognition" of Scientology's top level, Operating Thetan level 8 (New OT8) -- that is, what you're supposed to come to realize after finishing it all -- is "Now I know who I am not and I am interested in finding out who I am." There. I just saved you a few hundred thousand dollars, at least.

On that note, I've come up with a little exercise to illustrate who I'm not. Thanks to the magic of Google, I can attest with some confidence that I am Scott Simpson ... but not any of the following Scott Simpsons:

• Scott Simpson the Halifax film director. I know him, though. He's engaged to one my coworkers. That's a little weird, but he's a cool guy.
• K. Scott Simpson, apparently also from Halifax. He works at Dalhousie in sport. Clearly, I don't do anything much with sport.
• Scott Simpson at UWIC Cardiff School of Sport. Ditto.
• Scott Simpson the Canadian medal-winning triathlete from Toronto. I had a hunch there was another Scott Simpson in Toronto when I lived there, but I didn't know someone with the same name became the first HIV+ athlete to ever compete in the Triathlon Canada. Good for him!
• Scott Simpson the American golfer. He won the US Open in 1987. I've never played golf.
• Scott Simpson the Safety Director for AviaEd in Tempe, Arizona. I can't fly planes.
• Scott Simpson the British electrician. I can hook up my home theatre, but I can't wire a house.
• Scott Simpson the blogger from www.scottsimpson.net. He uses WordPress. I still use Blogger.
• Scott Simpson the mentally ill criminal whose 2004 death in Australian custody was the subject of an inquest. I've never been to Australia, though that sounds like fun.
• Scott Simpson of Phoenix, a dentist who specializes in sedation. My brother-in-law knows teeth, but I don't.
• Scott Simpson, president and CEO of bitHeads, and board member of Information Technology Association of Canada. I know some stuff about computers, but not *that* much.
• Scott Simpson the Thomas Cook travel book writer. I don't know anything about Krakow, Poland.
• Scott Simpson the Virginia Genealogy expert. I don't think I'm related to any Virginians.
• Scott Simpson the design expert, co-chair of Design Futures Council and president and CEO of The Stubbins Associates of Cambridge, Massachusetts. I don't even design the present. Amanda's the in-house designer.
• Dr. Scott Simpson the director of Faith In Action Campus Events in Spearfish, South Dakota. I don't go to church, let alone lead one.
• Scott Simpson the "acoustic artist form the north west blending Bob Dylanesauqe protests songs with JohnnY Cash story telling with a large dash of his own personal experiences." I play mostly electric guitar.
• Scott Simpson the singer/songwriter from Runcorn in the northwest UK.
• Scott Simpson the Rochester, New York goalie. I don't play hockey.
• Scott Simpson the NCAA football player. I also don't play football.
• Captain Scott Simpson of the charter boat Impulsive. I don't have a boat, though Impulsive is probably exactly what I'd call it if I went out and bought one.
• Scott Simpson the Case Western Reserve University paleontologist. Does a new fossil link Homo erectus and Homo sapiens? Damned if I know.
• Scott Simpson the social policy writer. I barely observe social policy, let alone write about it.
• Scott R. Simpson, Rochester attorney specializing in tax-exempt and nonprofit organizations and their corporate governance. IANAL (I am not a lawyer).
• Scott V. Simpson, British lawyer specializing in cross-border merger and acquisition transactions, including contested takeovers. IANAL.
• Scott Simpson the Cedar Rapids "parachute associate." What?
• Scott Simpson the Maine light painter. I don't know what "light painting" is, but I bet if I painted, I'd paint heavy.
• Scott Simpson who played Professor Harris on Dawson's Creek. I'd avoid Katie Holmes.
• Scott Simpson who wrestled professionally as Nikita Koloff. I met his "Uncle" Ivan Koloff once and told him that was my name, too. He understood that we are different people.
• Scott Simpson the clinical social worker from Burlington, Vermont. Cool, a social worker!
• Scott Simpson the Assistant Principal at Anne Arundel County Public Schools. I don't go to schools.
• Scott Simpson who's looking for a chick in Texas at consumating.com. Looks like we were both on Fidonet back in the day, but I ain't him.
• Scott Simpson the project manager for the Illinois Prairie-Chicken Sanctuary. See, I eat chickens.
• Scott Simpson the anime voice-over actor. My voice-over work is strictly commercial, though being the voice of a cartoon would be pretty cool.
• Scott Simpson the Century 21 real estate agent from Leominster MA. I'm just learning about home buying.
• Scott Simpson of Scott Simpson Builders in Northbrook, Illinois. I don't build 'em either.
• Scott Simpson the Minneapolis financial advisor. I don't dispense solid money advice. Invest early, invest often, stay invested. There ya go.
• Scott Simpson the Vancouver Sun writer. Journalist, yes, but it's not me.
• Scott Simpson the ex-RCMP officer who pleaded guilty to trafficking marijuana. Ouch.
• Scott Simpson the co-founder of Main Street Auctions. I've bought and sold on eBay a few times, but not enough to start a company.
• Scott Simpson the chef and owner of Seattle restaurant Fork. I might eat there, though (risotto pops for $8—think jalapeño poppers, but instead truffled wild mushroom rice is panko-breaded, with remoulade for dipping).
• Scott Simpson the Star Wars Stormtrooper. WTF?! That's pretty cool.
• Scott Simpson the Vice-President of Marketing and Analysis at Capital One Healthcare. Sounds important.

With all these fine Scott Simpsons around, I'm honored to be the first one to show up on Google when you search said name. Well, it has been recently, anyway. Perhaps this article will screw that right up. I don't know if Google will see all those repeating names and decide I'm full of crap.

Anyway, now that you know who I'm not, I hope you're interested in learning more about who I am. If so, keep reading.

That Tom Cruise thing

I know everyone's wondering when I'm going to do a big thing about Tom Cruise vs Paramount. But I'm not. I'm not going to mention it at all. I'm certainly not going to post a big "ha-ha!" or further any rumours about him buying Golden Era Studios in Hemet, California so he can have his own production facility. It's not even worth a mention.

Congrats to South Park crew

Congratulations to the gang at South Park for their sixth Emmy nomination.

The episode "Trapped in the Closet" is up for Outstanding Animated Program (For Programming less than One Hour), which the show won last year. If you haven't seen it, you can download it.

Earlier this year, South Park won the Peabody award.

If he wrote on technology stedda sci-fi

(Nerd alert ... Enough-already-about-that alert ... Feel free to skip this post.)

I've cut way down on posting and talking about this subject, but happened upon a funnyish piece called "OS III" originally posted in comp.org.eff.talk by Eric Miller:

If L. Ron Hubbard were alive today and he worked as a tech writer, his
"holy scriptures" might go something like this ...

Operating System Version Three

The head of the Silicon Valley (76 companies around larger cities visible from here) (founded 25 years ago, very soap opera) solved overemployment (2500 or so per company, 1780 on average) by mass upgrading. He caused people to be brought to Apple and put a virus in the principal server (Incident 95) and THEN the Pacific area ones were taken in backups to Redmond and the Atlantic area ones to MIT and then re-"programmed".

For the context of the ha-ha, you'll need to refer to the piece being parodied: the original text of "secret" level OT III. See, with all that reading, wasn't I right to suggest skipping the post?

South Park's Chef takes his chocolate salty balls and goes home

Many media outlets including Reuters are reporting that Isaac Hayes, voice of Chef on the TV series South Park, has quit the show:

"In ten years and over 150 episodes of 'South Park,' Isaac never had a problem with the show making fun of Christians, Muslim, Mormons or Jews," Stone said in a statement issued by the Comedy Central network. "He got a sudden case of religious sensitivity when it was his religion featured on the show."

Hayes is a long-time Scientologist. He's quoted as saying "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs ... begins."

It may appear on the surface that this is simply a principled, personal stand by the man beneath the hat, but there's likely more to it than that.

A Wikipedia article says "In a radio interview a week prior to the announcement on the XM Radio show Opie and Anthony, Hayes said he was not particularly offended by the episode because of the level of satire people have come to expect from the show." So why the sudden turn?

The "intolerance and bigotry" line echoes Scientology's treatment of its critics. A Church-related site called religiousfreedomwatch.com paints critics of the organization as anti-religious extremists, bigots, and dangerous terrorists. The Church teaches that anyone who'd oppose Scientology has hidden crimes, and is an anti-social personality.

Hayes' split from the South Park crew appears, on the surface, to be a direct implementation of Scientology's "PTS/SP" tech. It's taught as a system for managing the upsets in one's life, but it effectively isolates members from outside information and criticism of the organization, while keeping them within the fold under threat of expulsion, or worse.

PTS means "Potential Trouble Source" -- potential trouble for the organization, sure, but to the public, explained as potentially troublesome for oneself and those around one. Scientology teaches that "all illness in greater or lesser degree and all foul-ups stem directly and only from a PTS condition." So, if your life is going poorly, if you're sick, if you keep screwing up, if you're "roller-coastering" through troubles, it's only because you know an anti-social personality, called an SP.

SP is a Suppressive Person. In Isaac Hayes' case, the South Park guys. An SP has been defined as "one that actively seeks to suppress or damage Scientology with suppressive acts." Or, "a person who suppresses other people in his vicinity. A suppressive person will goof up or vilify any effort to help anybody and particularly knife with violence anything calculated to make human beings more powerful or more intelligent."

Scientology teaches that there is an infallible process for dealing with situations like Hayes faced: discover the source of suppression, then handle or disconnect. That is, make them change their minds, or cut off all contact. In Scientologists' lives, that tends to involve cutting off friendships, tearing up families, or quitting jobs -- eg. if someone you love criticizes the organization, they're actually out to harm you, stop you from getting better, and must be changed or removed from the picture. A very effective "us vs. them" setup to make members paranoid.

If a PTS member does not handle or disconnect from the SP, he or she could then be declared suppressive, and the consequences of that are dire. Regarding SPs, "As persons or groups that would do such a thing act out of self-interest only to the detriment of all others, they cannot be granted the rights ordinarily accorded to rational beings." (ref)

Given the rigidly dogmatic system in which he lives, Isaac Hayes really had no choice. He was working with people who were a threat to Scientology -- they're Suppressive Persons. That made him a Potential Trouble Source. If he wanted to remain a Scientologist, and keep his home, his status, his friends, his image, his support, his belief system and, in his mind, his only hope of spiritual salvation, he had to either change the South Park guys' minds, or cut off all contact with them. And given that Matt Stone and Trey Parker are dealing with facts and reality, and not the dictates of a science-fiction writer-turned-guru, it's doubtful that Chef could "handle" the situation. The line about the satirists being intolerant bigots was a PR line. He had to disconnect. There are times in life when that's all you can do, and it's most always terribly sad, but not so simple as following a book and an A-B-C procedure for shielding yourself from the evil people around you. In this case, it looked like Chef had a good thing going 'til dogma forced his hand.

The South Park guys will be on David Letterman's show Wednesday night.

More critique of the Suppressive Person Doctrine, plus some of the CoS' own information.

Ernie retires; viewing and reading

One of the landmarks of my university years is stepping away from the grill. The Toronto Star reports:

After 25 years flipping franks outside Ryerson University, where he served political quips with the pop and even launched a bursary in his name, Ernie the Hot Dog Vendor, downtown Toronto's most famous purveyor of tube steak, retired yesterday for the second time in his life.

I think I only ever bought half a dozen hot dogs at Ernie's stand during my three years at Ryerson, but he's a memory nonetheless. Finding out his last name is typically an activity included on frosh week scavenger hunts.

Dalhousie University here in Halifax has its own landmark hot-dog vendor: a fella named Ibrahim, known by students as The Dogfather. I've never seen him, but he's legend. I'm also told Bud The Spud has the definitive chipwagon downtown.

Haven't fed y'all any Scientology links in a bit. If you've never paid attention to any of the stuff I've talked about or posted, and just thought it sounded like mumbly jargon ... okay, I can understand. But if you have a few minutes, I encourage you to read the recent Rolling Stone article "Inside Scientology".

Google Video is getting a lot more popular (witness recent appearances at hainsworth.com, among other places), and the folks at xenutv.com have posted some videos there. But you'll also find some of the slick-but-boring videos produced by Scientology itself. They have some good chroma key/Ultimatte stuff with tracking camera moves, but the rest of the stuff is dead dull. But you can get video explanations of some of the more "what? are they serious?" themes, such as the Overt-Motivator Sequence, which suggests that the only reason someone would quit a job is because he's done bad things to his employer. (Or, in context, the only reason you'd leave a 'Church' is if you've committed 'crimes' against the group.)

If you have half an hour, though, you're better off reading the Rolling Stone piece.

Yeah, right

Amanda points out that Jam is carrying the AP story that TomKat is/are denying the split reported here yesterday:

"It should be known that the story is 100 per cent false," Arnold Robinson, a publicist for the couple, said in a statement. "Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child."

Not that I believe them, but ... y'know, fair and balanced, yadda yadda yadda.

Note that this Arnold Robinson (rep for Nick Nolte, Billy Bob Thornton) is not the Arnold Robinson who sings bass in The Nylons.

Happy Valentine's Day

Our traffic reporter just ran in with exciting news from the infernet ... PerezHilton.com reports that Tom and Kate have split:

Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tom's saying: "Their relationship is basically over." Another friend adds: "They both agreed that the marriage wouldn't work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other."

Questions remain ... what's going to happen to the little rondroid Ms. Holmes has been carrying? And will the 'ologists let her leave the relationship so easily?

Scientology vs. Kirk Cameron

I don't quite get their angle, but the folks at Toasted Pixel are attempting to answer the question: "Is Scientology as legitimate as Kirk Cameron and his wacky band of friends?" Sounded like an easy contest at first glance.

Christian Kirk vs. Elron. Gotta admit, I haven't seen much of Kirk since Growing Pains. But a quick google search turns up Way Of The Master, a slick-looking site where "Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron teach Christians how to share their faith effectively and inoffensively." Oh, that ought to be a treat. Thanks to Mista H for the heads-up.

Slow to react, quick to die

People who fare poorly on tests intended to assess mental skills are at greater risk of early death, according to a report in Psychosomatic Medicine (who knew there was such a journal?):

Experts have considered the connection between poor test scores and mortality as a reflection of the deterioration of the aging body. But that would not explain the higher mortality rates for younger people.

Damn. I guess that means the young stupid people of today might not be around to take care of me when I'm old and feeble. Stop with the skateboarding and video games for a minute, kids, and read a book!

Continuing with the theme of stupidity ... Tom Cruise and his pregnant "girlfriend" are nominated for Razzie awards aplenty this year. Says the National Post:

There's great Razzie potential for TomKat this year. Tom Cruise is nominated for worst actor in War of the Worlds, and he's mentioned twice in the "tiresome tabloid targets" category -- once for his anti-psychiatry rant and again for pretty much everything to do with his romance with Katie Holmes. Holmes is also up for worst supporting actress in Batman Begins.

The world awaits the delivery of TomBrat, which some are hoping will not come out as a mass of undefined goo as a result of Mr. Cruise's amateur ultrasound bombardment.

And for your "what's he on about with this Scientology nonsense?" link du jour ... check out Through The Door, a series of questionnaires filled out by ex-members that gives some insight into why people get in, and why people get out.

A long January speeds past

Hey, rockstars. Man, this has been a long month. Post-xmas blahs, winter blahs, election blahs, whathaveyou. January seems to be whipping past and crawling along at the same time. Apologies to anyone who I'm usually in touch with and haven't been -- it's just been one of those months, if you can dig it.

Thank goodness the election is done. Monday was a long night at work. Glad that's over with. Just hoping this doesn't become Common Sense Revolution: The Motion Picture, with protests and angst throughout the term of Harper's term.

Got out to do a small bit of sight-seeing in south-end Halifax on Saturday. Some gorgeous old houses in some beautiful neighbourhoods. I wish I'd brought my camera along. Next time.

Paid a visit to Pete's Frootique, home of CBC's Produce Pete Luckett, he of the "toodleedoo!" fame. Saw lots of imported goodies from Britain, the USA, and parts unknown. A neat, if unfruitful, shopping excursion.

Not a whole helluva lot to write about right now. As said, January is dragging along.

Oh, I read a book! Yes, a book! I don't remember the last time I read a book! Eats, Shoots and Leaves is a book for punctuation sticklers.

Had a one-second TV appearance last Friday when various outlets made a big stink out of deputy Conservative leader Peter MacKay telling former NDP leader Alexa McDonough to "stick to her knitting." (CBC article.) Grabbed clips from Little Eddie Dingle and burned DVDs for the bosses to score a brownie point (and for them to score points with their bosses uplines).

Hoping February will bring an upswing in activity and enthusiasm, and many more interesting tales and adventures (and photos!) for the bigass fan base. And fingers are also crossed for 'manda to score a lucrative employment opportunity to alleviate a percentage of stress for her and help ensure continued prosperity in the BigAssHousehold. We'll make do even if there's a gap in employment, but y'all can understand the stresses involved with end-of-contract dates looming.

'Til next time, I leave you with something a regular read passed along that prompted a giggle: Feminal, the portable urinal for women. Enjoy.

Oh, and same reader, the man with The Plan, alerted me that it was on this date in 1985 that Church of Scientology founder and Battlefield Earth author Lafayette "L." Ron Hubbard (aka LRH, Source, The Old Man) died. There's some controversy surrounding that, as Wikipedia relates:

Several issues surrounding Hubbard's death and disposition of his estate are also subjects of controversy -- a swift cremation with no autopsy; the destruction of coroner's photographs; coroner's evidence of the drug Vistaril present in Hubbard's blood; questions about the whereabouts of Dr. Eugene Denk (Hubbard's physician) during Hubbard's death, and the changing of wills and trust documents the day before his death, resulting in the bulk of Hubbard's estate being transferred not to his family, but to Scientology.

Churchill also died, same day (different year). The Mac was released. Worst earthquake ever happend in the 1500s. Etc. etc. But BigAssSuperstar.com doesn't report on those things.

'Til next time, mes amis ...

Kazakhstan boots Borat, welcomes Hubbard

Officials in Kazakhstan have taken a hardline stance on one piece of hilarious fiction, while allowing another piece to flourish.

The Register reports:

The powers that be in Kazakhstan have pulled the plug on Sacha Baron Cohen's www.borat.kz - home of the Brit comedian's alter ego Borat - so "he can't badmouth Kazakhstan under the .kz domain name", as a Kazakh IT industry spokesman delicately put it to Reuters. Borat is, as UK readers know, a "boorish, sexist and racist Kazakh television reporter" who has infuriated the Kazakh authorities with his less than flattering comments about the former Soviet republic.

And while all this is going on, the Church of Scientology is boasting about its infiltration into Kazakhstan. Scientology Missions International proclaims it has ten "missions" (franchises) there and is growing:

In the 18th century they were conquered by Russia and were freed from the clutches of the USSR in 1991! And with that freedom soon came a gift: for the book Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health, written by humanitarian L. Ron Hubbard, which was already spreading like wildfire across Russia, then made its way across the border into the country of Kazakhstan. In fact, even the government-owned stores were stocking Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental
Health.

Does this seem odd to anyone? Unplugging a comedian, while letting a "controversial to put it lightly" group like the Scientologists expand? If Kazakhstan is worried about its world image, it may be fighting the wrong fires.

If people from the past had the technology we have today

A photoshop contest over at fark.com included this image:

(Originally pictured: John Travolta.)

BONUS: TV station KRQE News 13 has a look at the Scientology compound built into the side of a mountain in New Mexico, including a shot of what some have referred to as the "mothership recognition symbol":

The story is about a compound hidden deep in a remote part of New Mexico. Among other interesting features are markings in the landscape that can only be seen from the air and a vault built into a mountain side. In the meantime, the Church of Spiritual Technology is doing all it can to stop this story from hitting the airwaves. They and their attorney sat down with News 13 to try to convince us this story should stay private. (story) (video)

Chef ain't gonna be happy

Boingboing.net reports tomorrow's episode of South Park on Comedy Central will tackle Scientology:

Wednesday's edition of South Park tackles Scientology, in the typically oblique fashion fans of the show know and dig. But what's particularly interesting about the episode titled "Trapped in the Closet" is that show producers tapped Mark Ebner for script consultation. The Hollywood journo and celebrity-dirt-digger wrote this legendary Spy magazine article.

Link to preview clip. Can't tell much from that, other than that they're picking on Tom Cruise, who made BigAssSuperNews recently for replacing his publisister. Though if Ebner's on board, there will be lots of inside ha-ha schtuff. I think the South Park boys know their way around Xenu, Elron and the gang, 'cuz there was the Super Best Friends episode that had plenty of that.

Thanks to Michael for the heads-up on the article.

Cruise's sister loses one client, gets another

Tom Cruise's Scientologist sister Lee Anne Devette, who's been wearing the PR hat for him during his couch-jumping/extreme PDA stint in recent months, has been replaced, according to reports cited by MSNBC.

At the same time, other reports say Tom's knocked-up girlfriend, Kate "Katie" Holmes has signed up with Devette. "Pregnant actress Katie Holmes has fired her publicist Leslie Sloane-Zelnick after nine years together, and has hired her fiance Tom Cruise's sister as her new spokesperson," says Ireland Online. Perhaps Devette will make Holmes sound less like a Rondroid. Actually, that doesn't seem too likely.

More from Defamer. Y'know, as I'm writing this, I'm learning that Holmes ditching her long-time rep (who also speaks for Britney "Fed's Wife" Spears) is old news.

Politics and "Religion" meet

The Ottawa Citizen reports a Liberal MP from the Toronto area appears in a recruitment video for the Scientology organization:

Mr. Lee says he hasn't got involved in the church's attempts to win
charitable status from the Canada Revenue Agency as a religious
organization, but he says he would probably help out if asked.
"They're not whiners. They just go out and do it. At some point, I anticipate they'll
be successful."

Unknown if he's aware of the organization's criminal history in Canada.

Cult classic in the making

So, Tom Cruise and Kate (formerly Katie) Holmes have been doing some couch-jumping as of late, and are now expecting her to give birth. Well, she'd better have good tolerance for pain.

No drugs. No screaming. No crying. Elron Hubbard insisted in Dianetics that any sounds made during birth (hell, even before birth...from conception on) could be misunderstood by the fetus/child/thetan and create engrams. The Dianetics ritual has been discussed in various reports in recent days.

A Scientology web site attempts to put Hubbard's birth claims on par with breakthroughs in obstetrics, despite officials claiming that Scientology is an applied religious philosophy that does not try to impinge on medicine:

while it has taken five decades for the scientific and medical communities to begin to catch up with the discoveries of L. Ron Hubbard in recognizing the awareness of the unborn child, they are now virtually part of the medical mainstream.

One Scientologists' birth-focused web page makes claims inspired by Hubbardian musings:

- "A Swedish study [not cited] showed that those who have a traumatic and painful birth are more likely to end their life with violent suicide."

- "constant crying puts babies at high risk for child abuse."

- "Crying infants are frequently drugged to keep them quiet. "

... the site goes on to plug Hubbard's books.

Anyway. I was a bit surprised to hear of TomKat's pregnancy. Some critics have been citing sworn affidavits from former Scientologists outlining what could be a policy of coerced abortion for those in the CoS' Sea Organization -- the hard-as-nails lifers who sign billion-year contracts and survive on beans and rice for the sake of getting Ethics in on this planet. Children don't produce, and in Scientology, stats are everything. Besides, when you're up 'til 2am Thursday morning making up inflated stats to send to head office (so you don't get demoted to a lower Ethics Condition and lose privileges), there's no time to take care of kids.

In other news, the new newsroom is very cold. Brrr. One more day of rehearsals, then we're live to air on Tuesday. I'm goin' home. G'nite.