Tuesday, May 22, 2007

To the spoiled under-30 crowd

Thanks to Sandra for forwarding this little ha-ha. I've found a few other versions circulating on the net since early 2003. I've added bits from those in italics, and my own comments [in brackets].


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THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!


If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; whatwith walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death.


And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!


And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!


There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter ...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!


There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! [And there was only one phone in the house -- and it was in the kitchen, wired to the wall. And you had to dial by putting your fingertip in a hole and rotating a wheel, leading to blisters and pain any time you wanted to win tickets from a radio station contest.]


We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like"Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! They didn't have any "How to Win at ..." books -- if they did, "How to Win at Space Invaders" would be one line long -- "Don't get shot." And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!


Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And 98% of us still had to use one of those God-awful, frustrating antennas that you would bend and twist into every conceivable configuration AND wrap the ends with aluminum foil and still not get a clear picture! And UHF!!! Need I say more?!?!?! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!


And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. [To be honest, we did have microwaves -- but they were huge and unpredictable, and microwave-ready food tasted uniformly like heated cardboard.]


That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!


Regards, The over 30 Crowd


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This piece could use some updating with complaints of PVRs vs. DVD vs. VCRs, cell phones and text messaging, digital cameras vs. film, and probably more.

2 comments:

  1. Hey Scott!

    Someone asked me the "whatever happened to Scott Simpson" question...

    WOW! What an amazing adventure to move out East! Amanda looks like a wonderful girl, I'm really happy for you! Domestication suits you more than you may have thought it ever would (jk). I see you are an uncle now too... aww :)

    Im writing a horror screenplay. When its done, Id love for you to read it. I know you are "no holds barred honest", and I respect your writing more than anyone else I know. You also have nothing to lose by telling me it sucks, which it probably will, but what the fuck... like you, I'm living more "out there" in my 30's.

    Im on facebook (like the rest of Toronto), if you ever want to shout out.

    Lori Lentini

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  2. Heya, Lori.. Thanks for dropping by.

    I'd offer to check out your screenplay, but I don't think I'd be able to offer much insight on it -- screenplays usually read completely flat for me... I don't get the full impact of a story from reading lines of dialogue ... also, I'm not a connoisseur of the horror genre, so it'd be completely over my head. Good luck with the script-writing, though!

    And as for facebook -- still not on there, not looking like it's gonna happen. Maybe one day in the distant future when Facebook is deserted and exists strictly as a dead database of old information ... but certainly not while it's the addictive craze of the day.

    Rock on.

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